“As soon as I tightened the reins because she had attitude, the attitude got worse.”
A fellow parent said this to me recently, and I couldn’t help but nod. I’ve been there. Honestly, I live there sometimes.
My first instinct, whenever my son pushes back, is to push harder. If he rolls his eyes or mutters something under his breath, my mind goes straight to “Oh no, we’re not doing this.” So I tighten the reins, stricter rules, sharper tone, less wiggle room. I want to make sure he knows I’m serious.
But you know what happens almost every time? His attitude gets worse. The tighter I pull, the harder he pulls back.
And when I step back and think about it, it makes perfect sense.
Why Tightening the Reins Doesn’t Work
Kids, like us, hate feeling controlled. When I tighten the rules without giving him room to breathe, I’m not just setting boundaries, I’m sending the message that I don’t trust him to manage himself. And that message, even if I don’t mean it that way, makes him want to fight back. I usually know when he feels controlled because his first response is to say, “That’s not fair.”
I get it, it’s human nature. We all want to feel heard, even when we’re wrong. And I think for dads, especially, there’s this pressure to be the enforcer. We’re supposed to keep things under control, to be the one who doesn’t bend. But I’m learning control and leadership aren’t the same thing, and my son doesn’t need a warden. He needs a guide.
What I’m Trying Instead
I’ve been experimenting with something different lately. Instead of going full drill-sergeant, I try to pause and ask myself:
- “What’s behind this attitude? Is he frustrated, tired, embarrassed, or just trying to feel in control of something?
- “What’s the real issue here, and what’s the outcome I want?”
Then, instead of just laying down the law, I give him choices within the boundary. For example:
- Instead of: “You’re done with screens for the day, because you can’t talk to me like that.”
- I’ll try: “You can take five minutes to cool off and then play, or we can turn the game off for the night. Which do you want to do?”
He doesn’t always like the options, but giving him a say changes the energy. He’s not being forced, he’s choosing. And sometimes, now that he’s getting a little older, he’ll offer up his own choice. When that happens, I stop and really listen, so he feels heard. I ask myself if his idea still fits the boundary, and if it does, I work it in so we both win.
Child psychologists say kids push back harder when they feel powerless—it’s a survival instinct. Giving choices, even small ones, tells their brain they’re safe, and they calm down faster. I’ve seen it happen in real-time; his shoulders relax, his voice softens, and we move forward instead of spiraling into a power struggle.
The Hardest Part (For Me, Anyway)
Here’s the truth: mindful parenting isn’t about being soft or letting things slide. It’s about letting go of my need to win every moment.
And that’s tough. Because when I’m tired or stressed, “winning” feels easier than connecting. Tightening the reins feels like control, but it’s usually just me reacting instead of teaching.
I’m learning that the more curious I am, the more patient I stay, the faster the attitude melts away. It’s not perfect. Sometimes I still snap, but on the days I manage to pause, we both end up calmer.
A Work in Progress
I’m not writing this as someone who has it all figured out. I still struggle. But every time I pause instead of pounce, I feel like I’m gaining something important, his trust.
And I keep reminding myself: I don’t want my son to just follow my rules. I want him to learn how to manage his own emotions, make good choices, and trust me enough to talk when things feel hard.
That doesn’t happen when I tighten the reins too hard. It happens when I guide, listen, and sometimes let go just enough for him to grow.
The real question I’m asking myself now is: Am I trying to raise an obedient kid or an emotionally intelligent one? Because the answer changes how I parent.
Your Turn
Have you ever had this happen, where tightening the reins just made things worse? What worked (or didn’t work) for you?
Parenting isn’t about perfection, it’s about showing up, time and again, and growing right alongside our kids.
Originally published on Medium
Mindful Dad Life 